“I love it when someone tells me what to do.”, said no one EVER.

When You Tell Someone ‘What to Do…’

It’s not surprising that many professionals feel compelled to tell others ‘what to do’. For most, it’s really in the best interest of the person they are trying to help. We have knowledge, we have experience, we have expertise and we truly, truly, want to ‘help’. Many people move into roles of supervision, mentoring and coaching with that in mind and a deep desire to help others.

In all my years, though, I have yet to hear someone speak of value and trust and respect from simply being told what to do.

Ask yourself, “When do I feel the most value? When do I feel most heard? When do I feel most respected? AND When I am most likely to follow the recommendations or instructions of someone else?”.

I’d be surprised if anyone answered with these;

“I feel the most value for my dollars when I get told what to do.

Or “I feel really respected when someone tells me what to do.”

Or, “I feel really heard when people tell me what to do.”

OR, “They just told me what to do without listening to me, so I will go and do exactly what they say.”.

So, what then, should we do?

In the study of dialogue (and by dialogue I mean a connected conversation where people are invested in the conversation, express genuine interest and accept the perspective of someone else) there is only ONE way I know of to actually ‘tell someone what to do’ and have them listen and follow my suggestion, direction or instruction.

It’s simple, really. You have to listen FIRST. This means listening with skill and that includes 3 things; your absolute focus on them, your ability to retell their story and your manifestation of curiosity through great questions. Simply having the credential, expertise or knowledge is not enough. You must develop your skills in dialogue and be able to demonstrate them fluidly in conversation. You are aiming for connected dialogue, mutual understanding and a respect and interest in the other person. That’s the way to have someone be connected to you (through dialogue) and to have them be as interested in listening to you as you were to them.

“But, Becky, I don’t have time for all that LISTENING…..”

Yes, you do! When listening is done skillfully, it takes less time. We don’t have to ask repeat question or work so hard to remember what’s being said.

What takes time in conversation is when we don’t give our attention to the other person, they know we aren’t listening and they will feel compelled to talk more or stop talking entirely. But, when they stop talking, it doesn’t mean they are now listening to you. They are sensing your disregard and disinterest and disconnecting from you. Distraction is a dialogue killer. It gives the impression you don’t care and that never equates to value of any kind.

What to do?

Actively engage in conversation. Train yourself and build your dialogue skills through education, repetition, practice, reflection and good coaching. Don’t wait to practice good dialogue with only the high stress (conflict) conversations. Practice in everyday situations. Actively and skillfully listen to another person FIRST, then offer your perspective or ideas. And don’t just fake listening until the other person stops talking, so you can add you part!

It will take time, at first. Whenever you are acquiring a skill or honing a skill, you must practice. It feels awkward at first, it won’t be efficient at first, it will require effort and time and energy. But the payoff?

It’s WORTH IT when a person is grateful for your time, your interest AND your advice, instruction or coaching. And, if you’re in the business of helping, that’s when they’ll pay you, with a smile and with gratitude.

Don’t believe me?

Check the research. Or better yet, call me and let’s chat. Rest assured, you won’t hear me telling you what to do!

Becky